I’m figuring life as I go – A personal essay.

Listen, I talk to myself a lot . Probably too much that I don’t have many friends but over the years it has helped me get through many anxious moments where I could not find anyone to calm me down. I had to be my own wingman. Writing on this platform will serve as a self discovery journey towards finding my own voice and probably it will inspire you to do the same.

So I’m in my final year in university and even though it has been a loonnnnngggg time coming, I’m still having issues with grasping this reality about to come to pass. It’s not the issue of adulting that is messing me up, I’ve been catching a glimpse of that for over two years now when I started combining freelancing with school. I live alone in school in apartments I’ve changed five times. I love moving, it’s therapeutic plus Ogbomoso house owners do not know a lot on maintenance.

Many things have been preparing me for this change I’m about to experience in a matter of months; i am weeks away from defending my project. My department final year committee have been ringing in my ears about final year dinner, merchandise and sign out party. My neighbors at home are reminding me how long I’ve been in university and probably thinking I have an extra year or something. Everything I’m doing in this town is reminding me of an end that is about to come. I’m relieved I finally got to this point because to be honest there was a time few years back I thought I wasn’t going to make it here. I’m not being gloomy, it’s just fact. I legit cannot remember my 100-200 level days. It’s like a blackout in my head.

I should be prepared you know? I’m long overdue to graduate. It’s not because of some bad grades or bad behavior that I spent almost 7 years in university. It is because I live in a country where the educational system has been ruined for a long time now.

However, university does not prepare you for the life you’ll experience after you leave. You have to figure it out as you go especially in Nigeria where nothing is certain. You’re on your own.

How do I unpack this?

What exactly do I want out of life now that I’m about to complete my first degree?

What can I offer the world?

These are questions that I’ve been asking myself lately and I’m still working on the answers.

My social media space has been the one thing going for me during school especially In my 300 level. However, I have just completely lost interest in keeping up with appearances on social media. It all seems exhausting because it seems like nobody is watching anymore. Everyone is trying to figure out their shit. I know people are listening, reading and appreciating but that zeal in me to always post and await feedback is dying.

I’ve been asked what kind of work I would like to do. And I said anything that’ll make me work behind the scene. It’s not because of my anxiety to be the center of attraction. It’s because I honestly love working behind the scene. That’s why I love writing and photography these are things that reflect my work rather than my face. I’ve been trying to fight it and be like other people I admire online but honestlyI’m fucking exhausted.

I just want to be.

It hurts me that that zeal is gone but I’m not crying over that shit. The most important thing that I’ve learnt this year is my year of growth. Perhaps it’s not so bad to let go of my old interest and make way for the new ones budding inside me. Perhaps I might like this new Susan trying to burst out in the open.

In a few months, I will be done with school. NYSC is a thing I have to do so I guess I’ll do that shit. Probably use that one year to learn new skills.skills relating to creating and making awareness about it. I also want to pay my bills so I’ll go into freelance writing full time.

You’ll see me online posting shit but mostly think pieces especially now that I realize I talk about movies more than i do books. I love motion picture and everything that comes with it especially screenwriting. I have this wild dream to write for a TV series someday. Maybe it’s not so wild. I mean… I wrote this shit and you’re here reading my words.

Till then, cheers to finding myself. You should raise a glass to yourself too because if you’re in Nigeria right now, you’ll know it’s an extreme sport trying to balance novelty with survival. We’re part of a statistics – we’re figuring life as we go.

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